vernard: (wtf)
A long time ago, I penned a set of rules for “Undertanding Men”. They were humorous but still for the most part true. I’ve been working on a counterpart for the fairer sex but like all thigns, I have been missing the proper inspiration. HOwever, in the mean time, I have had plenty of inspiration for antoher set of rules that I am now willing to share with you. It was inspired by a friend of mine who shall remain nameless that sent me an email while quite obviously drunk. I was unfortunately quite busy and didn’t check that particular email address often enough so that by the time I got it, it had been several days. Any good advice (or amusement) that I could have offered or received was long gone.

Except that it got me thinking that really there are rules to these sorts of thigns. And those rules need to be obeyed! so in the interest of making sure that all those rules are understood by everyone, I post them here for your amusement. If there is a rule that you think I have overlooked, please let me know so that i can evaluate and modify as necessary. This is for the good of all drinkers out there. You must have your friends drink responsibly.

Rules of Drinking

Rule #1: You can NEVER drink to forget. At least not on a permanent basis. The brain cells that are killed off via alcohol consumption are random. The odds of them getting the ones that were responsible for the long term memories that you are avoiding is fairly low. The only way to guarantee getting all of them is to kill all your brain cells at once. There are much more efficient, painless, inexpensive and effective means of doing this than by imbibing alochol. A shotgun blast to the skull or Quantum Physics class at any of the top ten engineering uniersiities come to mind.

Rule #2: Thou shall not forget to drink copious amounts of water before embarking on a serious drinking binge less thy seek to wrath of The Hangover To End All Hangovers. I mean it. Don’t test me on this one. There is way too much empirical evidence to ignore on this one. Its much better to be water logged than begging for death because the cat walking on the bed next to you is too loud.

Rule #3: Instead of sending drunken e-mails, make drunken phone calls. They are more traditional and it alerts your friends that you need someone to talk to a lot faster than waiting for them to respond to an e-mail. Also, if gives them a chance to ask for that favorite item of yours that they have always coveted and increases the chances of you giving it to them since you are drunk and not thinking clearly.

Rule #4: Never get drunk alone. Releasing your inhibitions through inebriation almost requires that you have someone there to chronicle it for posterity. That and to make sure that you don’t pass out and choke on your own vomit. Well, that and the fact that watching your friend get blitzed with you makes it just that more enjoyable.

Rule #5: Don’t drink cheap alochol. I don’t care if its beer, whiskey, wine, etc. I’m not talking about inexpensive, I mean cheap. Like Popov vodka or MadDog 20/20. That stuff will make you regret being alive. And unfortunately it won’t kill you to put you out of your misery. If the only way you can drink is to drink the cheap stuff then consider not drinking. You will appreciate the lack of a skull-splitting-headache-hangover.

Rule #6: Dont drink around folks that you have an unspoken, repressed and long-seated desire to fuck. I’m not talking about “make love to”. I mean the one-night stand, clothes on the kitchen table, sex on every surface available kind of sex-fest that exists mostly in fantasies of prepubescent boys and 40-something women. Why you say? Because there is a good chance that you will tell them or even worse proposition them and there is a small chance that they will say yes as well. Now at first this might sound like a great idea because there is that chance that you will end up realizing your fantasy. However, 1) You fuck terribly when drunk. This is a scientific fact. And 2) the aftermath of having your fantasy tell you that you were a lousy lay is infinitely worse than the unrequited lust you had before. And its even worse if you dont’ remember being the lousy lay.

Rule #7: If you can’t hold your liquor, then admit it and work around it. Being a cheap drunk is a good thing in the long run cause you’ll have more money to spend on useful things. And if you are prone to throwing up then please please please please please don’t be ashamed to run to the restroom and “worship the porcelain god”. No one likes to clean up a drunk person’s puke and its even worse when they make you clean up your own puke while you are still drunk.

Rule #8: Drinking is not like shopping. There is no need to try everything out to see what you like. Once you have found something that works, it is extremely reasonable to stick to that. Trying every new drink out that someone says is tasty or incredible can lead you to forgetting that vomitting is natures way of telling you “What the fuck were you thinking”?

Rule #9: Always drink after noon. If you drink before then you are an alcoholic. If you drink after then you are just a drunk. Besides alcoholics have to go to those damned meetings. Wouldn’t you rather spend that time

Rule #10: Either have taxi money with you, have a designated driver or drink within staggering distance of the place you plan on crashing that night. Cause there is absolutely no sympathy, love, or mercy for any damned fool that gets drunk and drives. None. Did you get that? None. One more time with feeling! NONE!


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Vernard Martin

April 2017

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